.journal: week of 24 november 1999.

what sara likes this week
songs "blister in the sun" (violent femmes), "bili rubin" (einsturzende neubauten), "third uncle" (bauhaus), "mama told me not to come" (i actually have no idea who this is by... does anybody know? :)
movies slums of beverly hills, pretty in pink
foods fudge, lobster ravioli
expressions "on my ass, baby!" (suddenly, a bunch of people have heard about my tattoo and want to know where it is... and no, it's not really on my butt. :)

24 november 1999
i had a really weak weekend. (hey, it's a weakend! :) i was supposed to go to a party with fawn friday night, but i had to work at this other, stupid party, dealing roulette, which is a thing i do every now and then for a little extra cash. goddamn, the things i'll do for money. it was kind of funny because it was a party for the management at the hospital where my mom works, and seeing my mom's bosses after one too many glasses of champagne was... memorable. i was expecting to get home around 10 or 11, and page fawn and go to the real party... but i ended up not getting in until 1 o'clock and i was all tired and it was so late that everybody would be too drunk to be any fun, so i just decided to hell with it and fed the cat and went to bed. the next morning (well... morning... it was 1:30 p.m. but i was still in bed) my acting professor called and asked me to go down to the school... i'm running sound on my school's production of the odd couple (female version) and so i had to go down and learn how to run the sound equipment and make a backup tape of all the sounds effects and stuff. which was pretty interesting.
on the less good side, nick finally came home a week ago. two weeks after he'd run away, five days after he'd been back in town. he was fucking horrible. yelled at our mother, wouldn't even speak to me, threw a big giant hissy fit worthy of a six-year-old. he's gone again, to austin, and as far as i'm concerned his ass can stay in austin. i am more hurt than i can express that my brother, who i was under the impression i was close to, has so inexplicably decided not to have anything to do with me. mom told me that a lot of his problem with me is that he feels i've had this perfect easy life and everything's been handed to me, and therefore he just can't associate with me because i'll never understand the hard road he must tread. okay, yeah. i suppose my life is easier than his because 1) i always have a ready supply of money, 2) i'm in school, and 3) i've never been in trouble with the law. but none of that was handed to me. i have money because i work, i'm in school because i didn't drop out when i was fifteen, and i'm not in trouble with the law because i don't do stupid shit i'll get caught for. i don't see how that amounts to the spoiled life of leisure nick feels i lead, but whatever. melodramatically troubled teenagers know everything, i shouldn't question his judgement, lol. it sounds cold, but... right now i feel totally unable to trust him again, and i really have no wish to see or be around him and don't know if i ever will. this whole running-away adventure has been a giant wrong, ever since the night he told me that, oh, by the way, he was running away to durham and i couldn't tell anyone(yeah, right). i'm just sick of it all, and totally disgusted.

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