The Spice Girls Must Die!

There are plenty of musical acts I hate. From the tuneless shock-value yodeling of Alanis Morisette, to the faux-Satanic teeth-grindings of Marilyn Manson (poseur alert!!!!!!), to the grunge-is-dead-but-we're-kickin'-the-corpse Nirvana-wannabeism of England's second worst export, Bush, MTV is full of things that make me want to vomit repeatedly. But none of these atrocities get on my nerves quite as much as those Lycra-ed little slut-monkeys of the devil, the Spice Girls.

I've never before heard more poorly sung, poorly written, inane, soulless crap than that which they foist on the public. I read one interview where they very proudly proclaimed that they wrote all their "music" themselves. Well, #1: I want proof of this, these girls look like they'd be lucky to write their own names correctly, and #2: If it is true, that's nothing to brag about. Their insta-hit, "Wannabe" (boy, you can say that again!), is astounding in it's shallow triteness. "Say you can handle my love, are you for real!" Yeah, I can't handle you, you wild little thing! You're too spicy for me! "If you wanna get with me, better make it fast!" Yeah, cause you're holding up the line! "Friendship never ends!" Um, I think I sang this song in Girl Scouts. And that other song they have... "Say You'll Be There" or whatever. It has a really cool video, in which our girls are in the desert shooting bottles with ray guns and throwing boomerangs, in an attempt to show what powerful grrrls they are. Uh, yeah, revolution spandex style now!

And while we're in the neighborhood, their whole "Girl Power" thing really chaps my hide. They take this, like, neo-feminist pose. Now, excuse me, but how does jiggling around in hot pants singing bad music contribute to the women's movement? Someone told me she read a newspaper article that claimed the Spice Girls had done more for women's liberation than all the feminists put together. Yeah. Sure. I mean, feminists only made it possible for women to vote, to work outside of the home without a lot of negative stigma, to have something approaching equality to men. But what is that compared to jump-kicking around in a miniskirt shouting "Girl power!"?

And this group is so obviously pre-fab. You can tell some record execs decided they needed to put out a "sassy" girl band, rounded up five cute little chicks who could more or less carry a tune (even if their voices are as thin and passionless as Kate Moss in those cK One ads), stuffed them into halter tops, and marketed them as, like, Riot Grrrl meets Barbie. And have you ever noticed, the only one who has a really good voice and can really sing is the butt-ugly one? (You know, the one with really long hair who always wears those Adidas warm-up pants?) Hmmm, could it be that she's only there to cover for the four completely talentless, pretty ones? I wonder...

One final thought before I go: the Spice Girls are completely misnamed. I mean, I've eaten white bread spicier than they are! They are so un-spicy it boggles one's mind. They should be, like, the Bland Girls or the Suburban Girls or the Daddy's Girls or something. But not the Spice Girls.

My only consolation is that soon the novelty will wear off and they will be subjected to the fate of the New Kids on the Block, Color Me Badd, Menudo, et al.- bands they are only a few penises away from being. Till then however, I guess I can only suffer- suffer, and throw things at my radio whenever they come on. I hope their slide into unpopularity comes soon- because that's what I want, what I really really want.