.the reading list.

i work as a library aide. that's basically a fancy way of saying "official library shitworker", but it's a good job and my coworkers are all nice and amiable, and best of all, it doesn't involve scraping gravy off of plates whilst a nasty dishwasher stares at my ass, so i've really landed on my feet.

one of the funnest parts of my job is encountering wierd, messed-up, or stupid-ass books. i've started keeping a list of the most screwed-up titles i come across. it's a pretty short list now, but believe me, it'll be getting longer. so, ever read any of these great classics?

• epedemics: illustrated with photos no!!!
• fun with mrs. thumb And her four sisters?
• courtship after marriage what's funny about this is, it's written by zig ziglar. you know, that creepy old "inspirational" speaker who's always like, "i'll see you... at the top-uh!" i don't think i'd want to be courted by him before or after marriage. oh, sweep me off my feet-uh, you wild love god, you! however, this book may actually find an audience among the player demographic- note that the title doesn't specify that you have to court your spouse after marriage. don't hate the playa, baby, hate the game.
• every single novel barbara cartland ever wrote if you don't know, barbara cartland is this british writer who does uber-trashy romance novels. i think she hit her creative and commercial peak around 1960. i discarded a whole stack of books by her the other day, and came across two of particular interest. the first was love & the loathsome leopard. wow, bestiality!! the second was a novel called the naked battle. hmm... well, i've never heard it called that before.
• various and sundry books for teenagers as if those awkward pubescent years didn't suck enough on their own, there are several books out there to make the whole experience even worse!! i came across a couple the other day. the first, written in the '70's, was preparing for adolescence, a conservative christian take on all that nasty physical business. the section on masturbation was especially amusing: "your friends may already be telling you about masturbation," a statement which begs the question: who the hell does this guy hang out with!?!? except for one very disturbed young man i used to know who figured out how to, um, orally stimulate himself and felt compelled to brag about it ("you don't lean over, you bend it back!"), nobody's ever just casually chatted with me about whackin' off... am i missing something here? i know you're all wondering, "what does god say about masturbation?" well, this book has the answer: "i don't think masturbation is much of an issue with god. however, i am not telling you to masturbate!!!" okay, dude. the second book, the successful teen-age girl, was written in the 1960's and contained this handy advice: "a voice that is too loud or shrill is a turn-off, especially if used too often." And this: "most teenagers know the difference between necking (contact above the neck) and petting (contact below the neck).... petting can be as innocent as a boy placing his hand on a girl's knee, or it can be the most intimate touch possible short of sexual intercourse." yeah... preferably the latter. if all you're getting is a hand on the knee, it's about time to find someone else to, um, pet with.
• horizontal restraints phwoar! imagine my disappointment when i found it was just about antitrust law.
• whacky jack hmmm... do i sense masturbatory overtones?

more to come. like probably the next time i have to discard old books.