"We've got to hurry up and take a picture of our boobs before the cops come!" --Fran, in the park at 11 p.m.
"We should take pictures of each other's butts! After the tattoos, I mean!" --Fran again, during a discussion of ass tattoos... is it just me, or does she have a calling as a porn photographer?
"There's a hole in your butt!" --Fran once more, tellin' it like it is (I would like to point out, she was not talking to me.)
"And the sad thing is, these quotes aren't even taken out of context!" --Fran, after I threatened to put some of her more interesting statements on my page
"Trust no one, fear no one." --Matt, after I very peremptorily ordered him to say something interesting
"When I close my eyes, the room still spins. :)" --Matt, on Instant Messenger, after (too?) much rum
"It's all about the Lincolns, baby!" --my brother, Nick, on his financial situation
"I really am a good driver, though, right?" --Nick, moments before driving right into a concrete pole
"That was a nutria, girls. They can't hurt you." --a cop at the park, after some friends and I claimed we hadn't been evading a patrol car, but running from a rat
"What's the best funeral you've ever been to?" --overheard at IHOP
"They had some wierd job, like, berry pickers, and they were all pissed off about the berries on their pancakes." --the IHOP waitress, after the aforementioned funeral people left
New Years morning, 1999:
Me, on my shameful drunken state the night before: "I spent, like, an hour sitting in someone's lap, but I don't remember who."
Person I was talking to (a very nice guy whom I did not know at all): "That would be me."
Me: "Oh... hi."
Fran, assigning Spice Girl-esque nicknames: "I'm Vindictive Whore, and Sara's Posh Whore, and Michael's Asshole Whore, and Jeremy's Tickle Whore."
Michael: "What's Drew?"
Fran: "Nice Whore."
Drew: "Nice Whore!?!"
Fran: (moment of consideration) "Or Red Whore."
From an old Frankie and Annette movie (I'm not sure what it was called, but it did feature a monkey that could both surf and drive and a car, so that's good):
From Wuthering Heights:
"What I am is very brilliant. I have a wonderful mind. It allows me to be superior to myself." --Catherine Earnshaw
From Star Wars:
"Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?" --Princess Leia (again, heh heh heh)
Suetonius, on Nero: "He was about the average height, his body marked with spots and malodorous..." (Meow! Saucer of milk for you?) "He so prostituted his own chastity that after defiling almost every part of his body..." (What he did is inconsequential [hint: wild-animal costumes, stakes, and oral sex], I just love Suetonius's cattiness. The only thing better than a good, solid contemporary Roman history is a nasty, gossipy contemporary Roman history.)
"And Yvette, lying in bed, moaned in her heart: Oh, I love him! I love him!-- The grief over him kept her prostrate. Yet practically, she too was acquiescent in the fact of his disappearence. Her young soul knew the wisdom of it." --D.H. Lawrence, The Virgin and the Gipsy
"Men at some times are masters of their fates.
The fault, dear Brutus, in not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings." --William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, 1.2 (my favorite Shakespeare quote from my favorite Shakespeare play... if you haven't sat down & read it through, do it now... it sends tingles down my spine every time, it's painfully wonderful...)
"As the whores say, why the hell should I be a waitress?" --Margaret Atwood, Lady Oracle (I know, right!!)
"All that week she couldn't decide whether she was a lollipop or a roman candle." --F. Scott Fitzgerald, "A Nice Quiet Place"
"All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase- 'I love you.'" --F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Offshore Pirate"