It was bound to happen.
After years of denouncing menthol cigarettes as disgusting throat- scalding vomit-inducing crap... after years of dissing all my friends who smoked Kools and the like... after years of swearing that I would never stray from my beloved (and decidedly non-menthol) Marlboro reds... I have gone over to the dark side of the force. I have become a menthol devotee.
Let me explain. Last summer I moved from the bestest state in the country, if not the world, Texas, to North Carolina, which if you ask me should change it's motto from "Esse Quam Videri" (that's "To be rather than to seem" for all you non-Latin-students) to "Squeal Like A Pig". Now, as you probably know, the main thing NC is noted for (besides having the #49 ranked school system in the state, consistently re-electing the evil Jesse Helms, and being the site of a lot of moonshine production) is being, like, the tobacco state. And since tobacco is so copious here, cigarettes are dirt cheap. And yet for some reason, everyone smokes Newport menthols. After a couple of months here, I reported this disturbing trend to my brother.
"So why in the name of God does everyone here smoke that filth?" I asked at the end of my diatribe, as I took a puff off of my nice smooth Marlboro.
"Because," Nick replied, "they're cheap."
"But Nick," I spluttered, "this is North Carolina! All cigarettes are cheap here!"
He just gave me a look that clearly said, Well, that's NC for you.
So anyway, because everyone here smokes unholy Newport menthol bile, and I'm a total fucking bum, I ended up smoking a fair amount of menthols myself. And that's how I've come to appreciate them, even... dare I say it... love them. That crispy minty flavor, that nice punch they pack. They're like Mentos, but without the dorky-commercial stigma. Plus, they're a lot more stylin' than your plain old non-menth fags. Especially Kools! (My cigarettes of choice- I may have changed my mind about menthol but I still don't think too much of Newports. Don't get me wrong, if I'm out and they're all anyone has, I'll still bum them. I just won't buy them.) I mean, okay, cigars (ick! Don't get me started on this trend! When did we as a society develop this scalding case of penis envy? [Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but this is not one of those times!!!!]) are like the big hepcat smoke right now, but this little Freudian-chic has been around for a couple years, which means it's about to go out of style. Now, unless corncob pipes become rilly popular (and if they do, the revolution will occur in North Carolina!) what do you think all those disenchanted ex-cigar-lovers are going to turn to? It won't be Virginia Slims, I'll guarantee you that.
I mean it. The pendulum of chic is swinging towards us, the menthol smokers. Minty-fresh fags will be all the rage. (Except for one brand which I won't name because if you've been paying attention at all you know which one I mean.) Kools & Salems & Kamels & such will dominate. And when it happens... just remember where you heard it first! (insert MTV News theme music here) At... Sara's Swingin' Cyberpad!