.the sara menace.


okay, here's a little secret about me: i hate sci-fi.

hate it. seriously. i like the x-files, for obvious reasons (have you checked out david duchovny's ass lately?), but aside from that, i'm just not a sci-fi kind of girl. star trek? hate it. babylon 5? not a fan. the matrix? don't get me started.

however, i love, love, love star wars. all the movies, even the ewok-ridden hugfest that is return of the jedi. so when the phantom menace came out, i was chomping at the bit to see it. and did i like it?

well, yes. it had it's flaws (#1: jar jar binks, #2: boss nass, #3: all the rest of those goddamn rubbery gungan crack whores... do you see where i'm going with this?) but it was quite good, and had some assets that cannot be overlooked.

because i'm lazy, i'm not going to do an in-depth review of this movie (oh, like you need me to... like you haven't seen it multiple times already), i'm just going to touch on the points i found especially interesting, annoying, good, or, um, boinkable. to wit:

darth maul: oh, yes. this is what a sith lord should be. surly, tattooed, buff, and mean as fuck. and, well, hot. way hot. i was just like, "okay, now show us your other lightsaber."

queen amidala: at the risk of angering all the horny fanboys, i've always hated leia. i never figured out why until a few years ago, when i realized: she's totally like those rich bitches in high school who decide to be "nonconformists", and subsequently start dressing like damn hippies and prattling on about causes. leia was a spoiled little princess (literally) and i had no use for her. amidala, on the other hand, is badass. really badass. and *high-pitched squeal* those outfits! um, to die for?

anakin: there's this old episode of beavis & butt-head where the boys see a cute little child in a video and remark, "that's one of those kids that, like, whenever chicks see it, they're all, 'awww!'" that's the kind of kid jake lloyd is. it even worked on me. "oh, look, darth cute-little-kid is being adorable and winsome! awww!" say what you will about his acting... but don't say it here, dammit! this page is a pro-jake lloyd zone. he's just such a widdle cutie...
george lucas is fucking crafty when it comes to casting, isn't he?

jedi: chicks on the jedi council=good. yoda spouting a bunch of garbled-syntax fortune cookie crap=good. samuel l. jackson being in the movie=good. (i know he didn't really do anything, but he's cool. motherfucker.) midichlorians=vaguely annoying, but not that bad. ewan mcgregor: good, good, good, good, good. ewan getting stark raving nekkid in episode 2: super good. (waving hand, jedi mind trick-style, in general direction of george lucas.)

sith: the dark side kicks your ass. that's all there is to it.

liam neeson's hairdo: oy. normally, liam is fine as hell, but that godawful mary katherine gallagher hair? *sigh* no, no, no.