Star Bore

(c) Richard Benson

To you, it’s just the hype for a big new film. To him, it’s the end of everything. The ruination of his one true love. The Jedi Nerd hates seeing everyone suddenly getting into Star Wars because, as he’ll happily tell you, he was into the original trilogy “before it was fucking trendy”. For years, he has collected the rare merchandise (“I got a wicked Boba Fett in New York...”*), used Star Wars terms in everyday speech (“he’s on the Dark Side”) and talked trivia with his small coterie of fellow obsessives. They express their appreciation of the film’s greatness through their learning, and Star Wars felt like it was all theirs. Now, with the lame Sunday supplements full of “50 Things You Never Knew” (though he always did) features, he has to endure fools who confuse the Rebel Alliance with the Galactic Empire-- even in Forbidden Planet. What he can’t stand is the way the parvenus see it all as a bit of a joke. The Jedi Nerd appreciates good design (which is why he resembles an unlikely hyrbid of sci-fi nerd and fashion disciple) and he likes the films “because, not counting Return of the Jedi, they were just good, weren’t they?” Of course, he’ll be going to see The Phantom Menace, but with an open mind (“You’ve gotta remember, these are kids’ films”) and a chip on his shoulder. If you see him, have pity. And don’t pretend you had a Japanese Millenium Falcon in 1991. He’ll know.

*If your response to this was “I have that too” or “I didn’t know there was an American Boba Fett figure”, congratulations-- you are him.

How to spot Jedi Nerd:

• Less showy and self-conciously eccentric than Trekkies, whom he finds amusing fools
• Most famously exemplified by James Lavelle
• Already has the cream of the new Phantom Menace merchandise on display at home
• Likes fashionable clothing labels but is wary of appearing to try too hard, thus favours the Japanese import, or the slightly ironic, or the classic
• Likes the marginal, amoral characters best: Boba Fett is a big favourite
• Knows The Empire Strikes Back is the best of the first three
• Actually feels genuine respect for Yoda. Knows that he would have been a Jedi himself had the circumstances been right, as proved by prowess on various Nintendo 64 games
• Wears CD Walkman with big headphones, playing DJ Shadow, “the next John Williams”
• Wears Casio watch-- likes playing with the buttons when he’s bored
• Girlfriend follows the Force too, but thinks his obsession endearingly eccentric