a recurring nightmare: i am walking barefoot through a park, or down the street to my house in carolina, or through my living room, when i notice the ground is covered in dead snakes. they're kind of flattened and twisted, and they're everywhere... i stand still because i don't want to step on any more of them, but there are some under my feet and that freaks me out so much that i start running. no matter how fast i run, there are still snakes underfoot. i'm not panicking-- i'm not thinking. i know if i think about it, i'll completely lose my mind. so i just keep running and the skin on the soles of my feet is crawling and burning. all those snakes, i can't get away.
i got a letter from a boy i used to have a crush on in high school. it says he is going to be in my town that night and he wants to see me. later, i get a phone call from the first boy i ever dated. he says he is also going to be in town, filming a tv show, and he's coming to see me, too. i know i can only see one, and i can't choose. until now, i'd forgotten about them both, but now i realize that one of them is the love of my life, and i have to choose correctly. that night, i'm waiting to see who will show up first. it's the boy from high school. when i open the front door, he is standing in the snow with a streetlight on him like a halo. he's wearing a puffy coat. he picks me up and spins me around and kisses me. i realize he's the one, he's the one i'm supposed to spend my life with, he and i were only put on this earth for each other. what i say to him is, "nice coat." we go inside, into my bedroom, where a picnic table is set up. a bunch of people are sitting at this table, some people i know, some who i've never seen before who identify themselves only as "mine workers". we are all talking when this boy, the love of my life, suddenly says he's gay. and i think, if i'd told him how i felt back in high school, he wouldn't be gay. if i'd told him just now that i loved him, instead of commenting on his coat, he'd love me. i can't move, and then i wake up.